Discouragement vs. Gratefulness

This has been a difficult few weeks. That is one of the reasons why I have not updated the blog. When I am discouraged I turn inward and have a hard time communicating, which is not good because that is when I need prayer the most.

It has seemed as if everything conspires against us. The littlest tasks become long, drawn-out challenges because something breaks or can't be gotten in town. Ministry tasks are thwarted by sickness or flat tires. All the little things build up and even the normal annoyances that we live with become great burdens to bear. These sound like little things, but when you are thwarted, frustrated, and downright blocked on every side it becomes too much to bear. And there were some quite larger disappointments and struggles which I cannot share so publically.

And I started wishing we could just go home. I think that in the last month I have wanted to give up more than I have since our first term - and that is a very normal first term reaction to all the major adjustments of living here. For the first time I have truly regretted moving from our beloved (though also annoying at times) Malawi. I have been pushed to the point of asking God what more He expects of me, how He could possibly ask any more of me, how He expects me to make it.

Then He, also, conspired against me, but for my good. A dear lady wrote concerning my last blog - where I waxed eloquent about a thankful heart. I was reminded that this is foundational to me, to what I believe, to how I manage to make my way through life.

My Bible reading was then a mild scolding.

 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Romans 9:20

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

I could go on with the verses. This is also where Paul talks about missionary call, how can they believe if they have not heard? So, basically, God told me to get over it. I cannot fathom the mind of God. That is not my place. It is my place to glorify Him in my life through thanksgiving and through doing the task He has set our hands to do. Even if the task is hard. Even if it is impossible - for nothing is impossible with God.

The more positive voice would say, "I can't wait to see how God is going to overcome in these situations." I sometimes have a hard time being positive. Right now it feels as if we are buried under an avalanche. But the cornerstone is that God is good. I am blessed. I can't forget that.

If you think of us, pray that we would pursue thankful hearts, for it is a choice. Pray also for protection against all the things that drag us down, especially ongoing illness. And pray for our children. The two at boarding school are extremely content. They have so many wonderful things in their lives. The youngest will homeschool at least another year. For reasons that I can't share here, she is not ready to go to boarding school. And yet, this is also a great trial because there is nothing for her at home and she is often very unhappy. Our children are a higher priority than ministry, and yet they also sacrifice.

But God has also promised through many rich verses in Isaiah that He will love and take care of our children.

In all things we will remain thankful. Any other way leads to death of the spirit.

Blessings.